Helping All Of Your Children Feel Valued When They Have Different Needs Than Their Sibling

When families have more than one child, parents can often feel overwhelmed trying to keep everyone happy, especially when one child has special needs and another child who is neurotypical. And when one sibling needs more of their parent's attention due to their different needs, parents worry that it is negatively impacting the child(ren) who needs less of their direct attention or supervision. 

When a child sees another child being treated differently, particularly if they perceive that the child is being favored by adults, the natural tendency is to question the situation or even to become jealous and angry. When that child is a sibling, the issues become even more challenging. Siblings of special needs children often feel neglected, to the point of actually feeling invisible.

Multiple doctor appointments, coordination with providers, advocacy for appropriate education, dispensing medication, toileting assistance, feeding and all the other possible tasks expected of a parent leaves little left over for siblings, who may then feel left out. The siblings may become upset that their accomplishments are not acknowledged or simply that they don’t get enough time with their parents. They may also try to overcompensate by becoming the “perfect child” so as not to create any extra stress for their parents.

How can parents of special needs children make sure they are balancing the needs of siblings? Here are a few suggestions other parents have found helpful:

• The first step is to recognize and acknowledge the siblings’ feelings of jealousy, frustration, and sadness. Talk to all of your children about what they are observing, how they are feeling, and why you might be spending more time with your special needs child. For example, neurotypical siblings may not understand why their autistic brother or sister, who shows no obvious physical signs, needs extra attention from their parents. Depending on the siblings’ ages, you can explain as many or as few details as they will be able to grasp at their developmental level.
• You may need to ease the siblings’ concerns about the situation. Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D, writes on PsychCentral, that your child “may require reassurance that he didn’t cause the sibling’s problem, especially if the disabled child is younger.”
• Try to find a way to spend more time with each child individually. While this may be a challenge for a parent of a special needs child who already requires a significant amount of your time, Dr. Kutner emphasizes that it is important to have focused time alone “even if it’s only five minutes a day, during which your children don’t have to compete with each other for your attention and love.”
• Depending on the child’s age, you can include them in something you are doing already, such as making dinner together. You can also do something you know they really like, such as play a video or board game, go for a bike ride, shoot basketball hoops, or build in a short daily routine with that child, such as a bedtime story or prayers, watching a favorite tv show together that you recorded.
• Encourage positive relationships among all of your children, to strengthen their sibling bonds and ensure them they are all important to you. Turning the situation around to encourage siblings in the family to embrace their sibling with special needs can actually benefit all of your children. In fact, you can help reduce sibling stress and add to all of your children’s personal growth. Dr. Kutner suggests in his article on PsychCentral that “children who have disabled siblings can gain a greater appreciation of the value of different kinds of people and become more understanding of human differences.”
• Teach your children the difference between sameness and fairness and the notion that sameness does not equal fairness. For instance, one child may get to go with you for donuts and hot chocolate during your special times together, because you know that's what they like, but you take your other child to the nail salon with you because that's how she likes to spend her special time with you. The time they spend with you is not the "same" but it is "fair."

Communication, acknowledgement, and reassurances can go far in helping all of your children develop stronger sibling relationships. Once you have had open and honest discussions with the special need child’s siblings, you will have a better understanding of their concerns and they will have a better understanding of why you do what you do. Together, with understanding and ongoing, open communication, you can grow even stronger as a family.